Dear best friend,

Dear Conor,

Saturday, February 11, 2012
11:47pm

Day 20

So I went to my grandmother’s house today and she made my family lunch because the Patriots lost the Superbowl (I still don’t like thinking about that!) I don’t even have anything relatively interesting to yell you. My life has been so boring lately. I’ve been talking to that cute boy on the internet a lot lately. He’s too sweet, I wish he didn’t live so far away. He and I have been talking since like 4:30 today and it’s almost midnight now. We even talked about you. Anyway, I’m going to finish up this conversation with my ‘cute internet boy’ and go to sleep. See you soon.
Sincerely, me 

Dear Conor,

Friday, February 10, 2012. 10:18pm

Day 18

I went to school today for the first time all week. It was kind of great.. being at home all week gets boring after a while. I wore a skirt today too, it’s was just the weirdest thing because I never wear skirts. I mean, I wore leggings under it but still.. I’m used to my jeans and converse, ya know? Oh, and Dakodah started talking to me again.. weird, right?! He messaged me on facebook and was like, “I miss being your friend”.. like oh okay, we were friends? I don’t know, I thought it was weird. Then right after I respond he proceeds to tell me about how he and his girlfriend broke up.. like, I don’t really care. I don’t even know why he was telling me that. If I could talk to you then I’d ask you why you think he told me about it.

Anyway, I showed Kim and Kyra all the letters I’ve written you today during A lunch (because I always hang out in the band room instead of going to lunch) and Kim commented on the lengths of them and said that it seems like they would be sad letters. Are they sad letters? Some of them maybe, others not so much, right? This letter isn’t sad. Sure, I guess some of them are, but not all.  I don’t really know where I was going with this letter at all, but yeah.. uhm. See you soon. 

Sincerely,
me 

Dear Conor,

Day 18

I don’t really have much to say today. I think that this week has been really long though, and I want you to come back because that would great.. or I wish I could just hear your voice, I miss that.

Sincerely, 
me 

Dear Conor,

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

4:23am

Day 17

My showers have been shorter lately..much like my attention span. they’ve been down to about 7 minutes.. or maybe like 12 minutes if I shave my legs I guess. and I’ve been sick lately, and not going to school, but I’ve been getting up earlier than I normally would anyway. up at about 4:30 almost every morning. i don’t really know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know if this is bad or not, but I think someone should come fix my head because I was to take 20 minute long showers and get up at 5:15.

Sincerely, 
me 

Dear Conor,

Tuesday, February 7, 2012. 
7:13pm

Day16

 I was watching the sunset reflected on the snow in my backyard and upon looking through the window my mind brought to my attention that I don’t know exactly how tall you are and though you’ve told me a million times (because I’ve asked a million times) I still can’t remember exactly what size shoe you wear. I know that my head comes just past your shoulders, and you’re taller than my dad, and when I stand next to you at 5’2” I feel small. but it was nice to feel small next to you. When we were in the band hallway at school (well, my school), and we were standing by the band room door and we hugged for forever.. I know that my head fit perfectly in your chest and your arms reached around me with ease and I felt small. I know that you have big shoes.. size 12.. or 14… I still can’t remember. but I know that last year during one of our concerts Mama Owen made you wear your marching band shoes and she sent you and me out to the trailer with the keys and we climbed over percussion drum cases and through dufflebags in the school’s too-small-to-fit-everything marching band trailer in search of your shoes. You have big shoes. and I know that you always used to wear those white sneakers. You seemed to like white things, because I know that you had a few white hats. One of which we played frisbee with in the band room alone after school last year. We must have seemed suspicious to anyone that walked by and noticed we were in there.. the lights being off and we were running around maneuvering our ways over chairs and through music stands and up and down the levels in the floor trying to catch your hat. I know that you had Walmart programmed into your contacts in your cell phone because you prank called them so often. You prank called them that day too, even though I told you not to, but you did anyway because you thought I needed some excited in my life. I needed excitement in my life, and that’s the reason that during band camp the first time I gave you a hug you picked me up and swung me around. “I’m so gangsta!!!” “yeaah, as gangster as picking up your freshman and swinging her around can get..”  ”I’m so gangsta I pick up my freshman and swing her around! but that was the best hug you’ve ever gotten right?!” “definitely.”  Most of the hugs that you and I have had seem to be among those of the best hugs I’ve ever gotten. Knowing me, you’d probably think that not knowing your shoe size or your exact height would probably drive me crazy and make me think that I don’t know you at all, but it doesn’t drive me crazy.. not in the least bit. If I believed in all that former-life stuff that some people believe in, then I would definitely think that you and I must have known each other before. I know you. Your name rolls off my tongue like I’ve been saying it for a thousand years. Even though I haven’t talked to you in weeks your voice haunts the corridors of my veins as if I’ve known you for a thousand years. I know that I know you, and not knowing your exact height or shoe size doesn’t bother me as I thought it would. I know that that last day I saw you before you left was the best day I’ve had in a while. Last year we walked around the school area and sat in the trails behind Cobb before I had to go to be brother’s football practice..we would walk out in the trails and go to Gowen Park before marching band on mondays..we would play frisbee with your hat in the band room, and I would see your texting during practice and yell at you from across the field to put your phone away. You always had that attitude where you cared about what people thought but at the same time you didn’t. Where if someone thought something negative about you then it didn’t matter because you weren’t going to let it stop you from doing what you wanted. You weren’t afraid of life and you always seemed to have a good time and you looked for adventure around every corner, and you always had the best stories to tell. I don’t know how to explain it but somehow my life seemed so much more exciting when I was with you. I miss last year so much. I miss you. I want the excitement and the adventure put back into my life and you seemed to be the only one that could do that for me.
Sincerely, 
me 

mufasathegoat:

achildofseptember:

(Source: zjoshy, via braydonusmc-deactivated20120209)

Dear Conor,

Monday, February 6, 2012
9:35pm

Day 15

 you know how when you hold one of those huge shells up to your ear you can “hear the oceans”… it seems kind of magical when you don’t know that it’s actually just the sound of the blood in your head. and those people that think that all you have to do is pray to God and then their life will have meaning and be perfect.. it seems like a comforting thought, doesn’t it?  It’s a comforting thought knowing that you’re a boot camp. seems like a weird statement, right? yeah, I know. It’s a comforting thought that you’re at boot camp though because at least while you’re at boot camp I know that you’re going okay and I know that in 3 months you’re going to leave there being the proudest you’ve ever been. It’s not like if you were deployed and there was always that constant wonder when and if you’re going to come back. so, I guess it’s comforting that you’re at boot camp.. I mean, that doesn’t change the fact that I wish I could talk to you, but I know I’ll be able to talk to you when you get back. The only constant wonder I really have right now is how much you’ve changed, or will have changed, from being there.
I don’t really like to think about that though.
I’d prefer to just keep thinking about how you used to be because I really don’t want you to change. I know you’re going to, but I kind of want you to still kind of be the Conor you were before, because that Conor is my best friend.. and if we lose that Conor completely then I lost my best friend. That can’t happen. That can’t happen. that won’t happen.. It’d be nice if I could just pray to God telling him I don’t want to lose my best friend.. that’d be comforting. I guess I just miss you. See you soon.
Sincerely, 
me 

Dear Conor,

Sunday, February 5, 2012. 
8:58pm

Day 14

 Have you ever had a dream that was so heartbreaking beautiful that it was just pure agony to wake up from?  yeah, me too.  Sometimes I wish I could just live in my dreams. It’s so much better than reality.

Anyway, there’s about 15 minutes left in the Superbowl right now and the Patriots are winning 16 to 15, and the Giants just intercepted a play. I’m personally rooting for the Patriots but almost everyone else in my house wants the Giants to win.

Alright, moving on. So yesterday I was going to drive to one of my friends’ houses but the seat in my mom’s automatic (the maroon-ish SUV type thing) is broken and won’t go forward enough, so I can’t reach the pedals.. it was kind of embarrassing and my dad started laughing at me but whatever.

Oh, back to the Superbowl.. the commercials this year aren’t even any good.

Okay, so I feel like I should write about this, even though it’s not something I would normally tell you. I guess that’s why I’m not letting you read these. Well I made a mistake today because I went to your facebook wall, but this time not on accident. I didn’t have a reason, but I went to it anyway, and then, being the insecure teenage girl I am decided it’d be a good idea to look at your future girlfriend’s profile.. yeah, not my best idea. So I guess I won’t tell you how much I absolutely hated myself after that. and I shouldn’t get into detail about how I was talking to Kyra and told her about how perfect Jazzmyne seemed, even from just her ‘about me’ and profile pictures on facebook, and how I decided it’d be a good idea if I could become perfect too, because she’s so pretty and so skinny and she just seems like one of those human beings that everyone would aspire to be like, and well, you get our of boo camp in a little less than 11 weeks and maybe I can make myself perfect by then. It’s just kind of hard because I never felt like I needed to be anything but myself when I’d talk to you, and I know that I am so far from perfect it’s unbearable but when I’d talk to you I felt almost as if I was closer to being perfect, so I don’t know how to change myself. 
I don’t know. 
but I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve been contemplating writing you a letter to actually send to you but part of me feels like that might just be a bad idea. I mean, I don’t know that much about Mar - OMG GIANTS JUST GOT A TOUCHDOWN.. NOOO! now it’s 21 to 17, giants are ahead! NOO! okay Patriots need a touchdown and it’s the last 57 seconds… we’re so done for.. of this happens I will be so happy though, I am, omg, patriots just need to win! UGH, now there’s 36 seconds and w need a touchdown.. no chance, no chance, no chance,.. WHY?! the pass was in complete….. now we’re down to 9 seconds.. omg, out of bounds,.. now 5 seconds. OMG, SO CLOSE. SO FREGGIN CLOSE. Incomplete pass at the end zone! OMG giants won… omg no. I AM SO MAD.  WE. WERE.SO.CLOSE.!!! NO! 
Okay, well now that I don’t even remember what I was saying before this, I’m gonna go to bed, or try to anyway. omg i’m so mad though. I can’t believe how close we were.
Sincerely, 
me.

And I’m never gonna hear the end of this from my brother… oh, awesome.

(Source: iwilltrustinyou, via this--too--shall--pass)

Dear Conor,

Saturday, February 4, 2012. 11:49pm.

Day 13

I think it’s nice when people know little things about each other.. like a favourite colour, or a middle name, something about their past, whether they prefer writing with pen or pencil.. things like that. I wonder if anyone knows little things about me.. like I hate the smells of butter and mayonnaise, and I don’t really like writing in pen because it feels too permanent. when I was young and I would put sheets on my bed I would stand on my mattress because it was easier to put the blankets on evenly. I wonder if anyone knows that when I’m sad I listen to The Fray, and I used to sit in my closet and cry when my dad would come after me when he was mad. 

I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but I know that if there’s anyone that cares it’s you.

Sincerely, 
me.